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Tuesday, August 16th, 2011
9:28 pm - Someone remind me...
Why did I want to go back to uni to do postgrad study?

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Sunday, January 18th, 2009
12:26 pm - Writer's Block: Clothing Options
When it comes to clothes, would you rather be comfortable or fashionable?

I was recently at least reasonably fashionable (perhaps that's just comparing myself too favourably against the company I keep though) but that all went down the drain when health problems flared up again and I put on an alarming amount of weight in a very short time span. Since then I've been trying to play catch up and corral the upwards stampede so I don't embarrass myself walking out of the house. To that end, a conservative estimate of how much I've spent on clothes so far this year would be close to 2k. And yes, I still don't seem to have much of anything to wear - perhaps because I keep on getting sidetracked buying ball gowns when I really need jeans and t shirts for work.

Luckily I have the savings to pay for these excesses, and hopefully soon the influx of clothes will assuage the gnawing hunger for something pretty and fun, rather than their current incarnation as things which just barely do up and maintain my modesty.

Anyone want to take me to a cocktail party? I have several most perfect dresses ever - at least until the invitation is issued and I start bemoaning the fact that I have nothing to wear. Regardless, I'll attend this hypothetical soiree in extremely adorable flats and not heels, because that's the one area where comfort has a consistent upper hand. Even if I did just buy another pair of heels yesterday.

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Sunday, April 15th, 2007
10:30 am
I am shocked and amazed that not only do people continue to keep me on their friends list in hopes of occasional resurrections from the dead, but new people have added me too.

If I'm going to spend my whole life sunk deep into introspective gloom, why can't I bring myself to post something on a semi regular basis? Anyone who can answer me that gets one of the stash of cabury creme eggs I've hidden away for the boy when he's being especially good.

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Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
4:31 pm
I feel like I'm completely out of touch with my world right now and I'm drowning. Nothing I do is right, good enough or makes someone happy. I'm usually pretty cluey about other people's emotional weathervanes, but right now I'm lost and noone seems to want to give me a clue. If I'm being a bad friend, bad lover or bad employee surely the thing to do would be to tell me, not just give me the silent treatment or decide to completely scrub me from your life without me even knowing there is a problem?

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Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
3:08 am
People come into your life at a specific time for a specific reason - I've always believed that, no matter how hippy-ish and at odds with the rest of my general persona it may seem.

My first memory of Aveline was (funnily enough) being introduced to her by Jabbi (another melbourne scene person who has since passed away) sitting upstairs at L&D's, torturing Chrissy Sissy. In one night she turned my life pretty much around, offering me a place to live, an apprenticeship and her hand in friendship.

I lived with and learned from her for almost two years, until she decided to move to Canberra to pursue further education as a political aide.. and unfortunately pretty much lost contact with her from that point on. However, still a huge part of my identity now comes from those years I spent with her. My B&D career, my sexual identity and comfort within it and so much more is attributable to the time she took to mentor and befriend a 17/18/19 year old..

Every person she met she touched and for that I'm profoundly grateful. It doesn't make it ache less now, but hopefully it will in time.

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Tuesday, January 30th, 2007
2:45 am
Usually I'm able to soothe myself by writing something, but today my voice is gone. My friend, ex-housemate of a couple of years, and mentor in so many ways passed away on the weekend.. and I found out via a fucking mailing list.

Aveline, despite the years which lapsed between us catching up you were still very much in my heart and my thoughts, everything I am and do is in part shaped by what I learned from you.


I hope you knew how much you meant to me.

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Friday, December 1st, 2006
7:35 pm
It's been a full on couple of weeks here in abbey-land. I finished all my assignments, got one weekend of bliss and then plunged into working 5 night shifts a week.

I nearly cried tonight when I was closing up at 5am and the boss came in and asked me why the hell I was walking home from work, said he didn't want me to do it anymore because it wasn't safe and then said he was paying for my cab home from now on (I live a 20 minute walk from work). He also said I was doing a good job :)

I feel cared about there. They actually appreciate me and want to encourage me to stick around.

Actually, feeling cared about is a common theme for me lately. I've got such a fantastic circle of friends, they put up with me vanishing off the face of the earth for months at a time, put up with me getting drunk as a skunk and inflicting a fashion parade on them at 6am after partying all night.. they adopt me into their households and actually get excited when they see me. And not least, they finally get around to giving me my christmas present from last year in the form of a tattoo which I'm booked in to get next weekend.

I'm feeling positive at the moment, and hopefully that will bring me some luck because I've just emailed the uber hot lecturer and suggested that now we are no longer student and teacher that we catch up for a drink sometime :)

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Monday, October 30th, 2006
12:21 pm
October is nearly over, thank god. Another fortnight would have surely ended with me topping myself. Ok I'm a drama queen, but it's been a rough month. My desktop has died again, after a swishy new harddrive was aquired for it it decided the motherboard and CPU weren't fit to live in the same case.. and then because of all this new fangled technology my old RAM didn't work with the new components. So guess who just got themselves a swishy new system? Pity my credit card, it now whimpers in fear every time I open my wallet.

Aside from that my fridge is dying a slow death, the freezer isn't worked terribly well (as in not freezing) some sections of the fridge are working too well (as in freezing everything that gets put ninto that part - exploding beer bottles anyone?) and other sections aren't keeping things cold (mmmm mouldy tofu).. and my toilet decided to spray water at high pressure from the cistern last night all over the place semi flooding my bathroom before I got it under control. And I'm not even going to start discussing my ISP woes, because I know someone will want to be helpful and I don't have a clue - my best skill with things like that is looking pretty while a boy does it for me. Technologically empancipated? Not me.

And then, there's uni. 2 assignments left before I finish the academic component of this shitty degree that I don't even want forever.. and to celebrate I'm watching as much Queer as Folk as I can before deadlines compell me to get on with my work (which is due Friday).

On the plus side, rent is paid for the next month, centrelink seems to have accepted my disogranised financial records and I've tracked down my doctor for my medical review, tickets to Lab4's final show have been purchased at a greatly discounted rate.. and one of my housemate's friends who is a promoter is giving me his ticket to slinky because he doesn't even know who Johan Gielen is, just knows I went bouncing around the house when I found out he was playing.

November: You are on strict notice not to be as shitty as Oct. If you are, I'll cancel you next year too.

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Monday, October 16th, 2006
9:54 am
Ok, October is officially cancelled next year. My computer died last night, and my harddrive is toast. Good thing I have understanding lecturers because why no, I never learn and I do not do backups of assignments (I did however learn enough to have backups of all my music this time around!)

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Friday, October 13th, 2006
5:30 am
If anything else bad happens this month I am going to officially not have an October next year.

This week alone (and all things considered this has been a good week for this month) I've been put on prophylactic treatment for the meningococcal virus, got my internet connection cut off because they thought I was running a web server (when I was really just being nice and uploading on p2p), lose 1k and then manage to get half of it back by making a middle of the night trip out to bumfuck to threaten to kick someone in the nuts, and procrastinate so successfully that I haven't even started an assignment that is due in on Monday which requires a STACK of reading of which none of it is read. Add to that a few emotionally based meltdowns and I'm about ready to call October this year officially over and just go hide in bed til it's gone.

On the plus side, uber-hot-lecturer gave me a 23/25 for my presentation on drug prohibition and why it's crap AND both my gas and electicity bills have just arrived and for once they are affordable. Who knew we didn't really need to spend $500 a quarter on electicity?

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Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
3:29 pm
mmm so I went a little quiet again. In that time I've managed to kick caffine, given up wheat and suagar again and am now only a month and a 30 day placement away from finishing my degree.

Life is never predictable, but it's all good :)

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Thursday, September 14th, 2006
7:06 pm
Class today was particularly brutal. I'm usually quite insouciant and flippant about how drug addiction has affected my life, but today all that just failed me. And no, I'm not talking about me or my own drug experiences or past addiction - I'm talking about how over the years I have lost a large number of people close to me to addictions of various sorts or diseases caught during their addictions.

Watching Union Square, where heroin addicts talked about the lives they used to have - lives they say they miss (sometimes) relieved me in some way of the crushing self responsibility that I've been carrying around with me; thinking I'd failed, that it was a weakness inherrent in me which had prevented me from being able to stop my friends (and in one or two cases my lovers) from walking down those paths. While it did relieve in some ways, it also hammered home that hoary old chestnut from AA etc, that this is a cuning and baffling issue that is bigger than any of us. Addiction soaks in and entwines with a person's personality in such a way that it shaped the rest of their lives and their destiny.

So how does one solve that? Peer based support certainly doesn't work in my experience. Now I know to just cut people off pretty much at the first sign of them moving from recreational or social user to addict. Community based peer support was raised as a possibility, but for the life of me I don't see the distinction which would stop an addict ripping off a peer based community any more than it would stop them betraying someone they professed to care deeply about. Perhaps there's more public censure involved, but is that really enough?

Prohibitive or punitive actions certainly don't stop addicts, they don't even stop experimental and social users. Where does the line between efficacious policy and personal choice start and end? In some ways it's a humbling thing to grapple with the concept that there isn't an effective or humanitarian solution, that some people will always fall through the cracks for one reason or another, in other ways it's just depressing, distressing and frustrating. One person, or even a community of persons, cannot save those who don't want to be saved - even if they know they have hit rock bottom, sometimes it's not on their list of priorities to find a way up or out. Sometimes, thankfully it is though.

current mood: sad

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Monday, September 11th, 2006
8:45 pm
I think I fell a little in love with my housemate's boyfriend this weekend. He managed somehow to get my bottle of talcum powder* signed by Hellraiser, Uberdruck AND Yoji (he got her a poster signed by all of the aforementioned too)!

*fans self*

Whatta guy! We're keeping him.

* Talc is spread on the floor while dancing to provide slippage for shuffle type dance moves, and I am usually never without it while out.

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Thursday, September 7th, 2006
8:36 pm - Memage
My Interests Collage!Collapse )
Create your own! Originally Written By ga_woo, Hosted and ReWritten by darkman424

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7:35 pm
'One can never know the whole story about anyone - yet how we all rush to judgement! How we all love to ignore the truth that we know so little about what motivates other people, what shadows from the past distort their psyches, what demons haunt and enslave them. How readily we say with perfect confidence: "He's despicable!" or: "He's behaved unforgiveably!" or worst of all: I'd never behave like that!" Yet how dare we pass judegement when so much of the evidence is beyond our reach? No wonder Our Lord said so sternly: "JUDGE NOT, THAT YE BE NOT JUDGED!" No wonder he said: "HE THAT IS WITHOUT SIN AMONG YOU, LET HIM CAST THE FIRST STONE!" Jesus wasn't interested in rushing to judgement. He wasn't interested in "keeping up a front" or scoring points off those who found him intolerable. "LOVE YE YOUR ENEMIES," he said "DO GOOD TO THEM THAT HATE YOU." And time after time he said: FORGIVE, and talked of the truth which sets us free.. And so we come back again to our own current quest for truth, the truth about one another...'

Susan Howatch - Absolute Truths, p.472

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Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
7:45 am
Sometimes I amaze myself. Not just in my capacity for being generally fucked up and having issues, but in my apparent ability to give excellent advice to others, to hear the words I'm saying, and yet be incapable of putting them into practice in my own life.

I obviously need to make some changes in my life, and I need to learn how to move on. I need to work out how to translate from rational logical thought to emotional understanding that I'm not actually alone in the wilderness, that there are a lot of people who will be there if I actually ask for help, and I need to learn that it's not a bad thing to admit occasionally that I don't know everything and that I can't fix everything; sometimes, some things just can't be fixed and it's not a point against me that I've failed, it's just unstoppable force meets immovable object.

On the plus side my weekend has been excellent, visiting a friend's new business venture to see another friend's artwork debut with yet more long standing, cherished friends around me was lovely. In some ways it reminds me that I am capable of forming long lasting bonds - even if I do neglect them shamefully I'm not a total emotional retarded social leper.

Tonight, Andy Moor was absolutely amazing. And so is my buddy Mike, who no matter what I throw at him manages to understand where I'm coming from and accept me, and listen to me, and take my supposed excellent advice without throwing it back in my face that I'm not exactly the poster child for balanced, rational functioning.

My life has been enriched by all of this weekend. I just need to take all of this and hold on to it.

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Thursday, August 24th, 2006
8:41 pm
Grand tally for today:

1 coffee date with uber hot lecturer to take place next monday.

1 study date (now with 30% more beer!) with new uni study buddy for tomorrow,

1 lunch date with the wonderful ms.pineapple and

1 real life date-date, time as yet unspecified beyond "next week"



did I mention one coffee date with uber hot lecturer?

current mood: excited

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Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006
12:47 am
Ahhhh phooey. Just when I thought I had my finances under control, I notice a black spot on one of my teeth right near the gumline. I swear it wasn't there least time I flossed, but it's showing no sign of moving from scrubbing or flossing.. so it's off to the dentist I go looking miserable :(

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Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
12:46 am
I think I can boil most of my current issues in life down to this: other people do not have the same moral code or communication techniques as I do.

It's not solely that I'm upset and angry about being broken up with - for quite stupid reasons (ie: I realised I don't want to date a smoker) - it's more that he told me to wait for him for 7 weeks while he went away to basic training, and I did. And then when he came home he told me he was feeling funny about the whole situation and needed some time back in his real life to readjust and could I please give him that time and not move on. So I did. 9 weeks I waited, only to find out that he really had wanted to break up with me before he went away, even though he sat there the night before he went away and kissed me and said he was going to miss me and had plans for us when he got back.

Amusingly, my exceptionally lovely friend who is about 60kg soaking wet wants to go and beat him up for making "his Abbey" sad.. yes, go beat up the guy who just got back from special forces training. Heeh.

On paper we were either perfect or a nightmare. Technically we had nothing in common, but he actually managed to get me to admit to my massive geeky side and I managed to get him to admit that he's really a huge party animal (such that I am am.. more a snack sized, part time, happy meal, kind of party animal). We balanced each other he said, and we did. We had, I thought, taught each other to take a risk on one of life's biggest uncertainties, holding each others hands when our natural instinct was to run away. I didn't want what we ended up with intially and neither did he. I guess he just called chicken first.

I don't know. I know who I am. I have a better than ever understanding of what I do and don't want - in relationships and in life. I just need to stop falling down that hole of assuming that because someone says something to me that it is real.

At least some solace can be found on the empty steak plate and at the bottom of multiple wine bottles for a short period of time, even if it is only a Tuesday.

current mood: drunk

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Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
12:25 am
hello world.

It seems all I've done for the last year is fuck myself up and/or over. Somedays I despair of the thought that I will eventually start to learn from my mistakes and not just find a new variation upon which to once again accidently throw myself down the well.

Ahh well, it could be worse. It could be boring.

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